Prince Ivan and the Three Kingdoms
by The Idiot Alchemist
Summary: Russia has woken up to find himself in one of his beloved fairy tales, complete with his fellow nations and a condescending narrator who seems to delight in making him squirm. Will he make it back home, or will he be trapped in the tale forever?
1. The Quest for Mother Russia

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. If I did I would not have to take out student loans and sweat over getting scholarships. Neither do I own this fairy tale, but nobody really owns fairy tales. Do they? The version I'm using is from Pantheon's Fairy Tale and Folklore Library's version of Russian Fairy Tales collected by Aleksandr Afanas'ev translated by Norbert Guterman.

Rating: K+

Warnings: None. Alfred is the king of Hetalia, but it's notout of super patriotism and more because the thought of Alfred being Ivan's fretting dad is funny.

* * *

Prince Ivan and the Three Kingdoms

Chapter One: Setting Out

Once upon a time, there was a delightful land of fun and gaiety, the land of Hetalia. In this land there was a handsome prince whom all loved, for he was strong, brave, and had a pure heart. His name was Ivan.

"What?"

I said, there was a handsome prince named I—

"I'm not a prince, I'm a personification of a nation! Where am I? What am I doing here?"

Well you're a prince now, so shush. Where was I? Ah yes. The prince awoke as he usually did and dressed, preparing for breakfast.

"A kaftan? I haven't worn one of these since Peter the Great made me start to dress western."

Shush. As Prince Ivan walked to his meal, his father King Alfred came running toward him.

"Ivan! Oh, Ivan my son!"

"What?"

"Oh my son, it's horrible! Your beautiful mother has been kidnapped by the wicked Raivis! He came in the form of a whirlwind and scooped her right up!"

"…What."

Yes, the wicked sorcerer Raivis had stolen away Ivan's mother. Of course, the young Prince decided that he had to rescue her.

"What."

King Alfred stared in horror at his youngest son, "Oh, you can't go! Your older brothers Toris and Eduard have already gone to search for her! I can't lose my lovely wife and all of my widdle babies in one day"

The king clung to his son's knees as the prince tried as best he could to walk forward, determined to rescue his mother the queen, "If only to get away from America. He is being very annoying. And he is not my father!"

Oh, yes he is. In this story, at least. Anyway, after escaping the clutches of his overprotective father, Prince Ivan mounted his mighty horse and galloped away. After a while he ran into an old woman named Elizaveta.

"Hungary? But she is not old."

Shush! The less you interrupt the sooner this story will be over and you can go home. Now, Elizaveta approached the prince and asked, "Hello, Prince Ivan! Are you looking for adventure or running from it?"

"Um, I'm looking for my mother. The queen. She was kidnapped by the fearsome Raivis—I cannot believe I said that, he is so small and kitten-like—and I need to get her back."

"You have a long journey ahead, fair Ivan. Take this ball. Roll it ahead of you and it will take you to a mountain. In the mountain you'll find a cave with a pair of claws inside. Put the claws on your hands and they will help you climb the mountain. On the top of the mountain is the kingdom of Raivis. Good luck!"

"Thank you. Um, good day."

The prince threw the ball ahead of him and rode wherever it rolled. He rode for miles, but it did not seem long to him, for to him he was going as fast as the narrator was telling the story.

"At least you gave me that."

I can be helpful.

"Mmm. Wait. I think I recognize this story."

Goody good! It _did_ come from you.

"This is the story of the three kingdoms! I climb the mountain, find the queens of the copper, silver, and gold kingdoms before finding my mother in the fourth one. I slay the wizard—sorry little Raivis—and then I climb down, some betrayal happens, and I get married."

Thanks for giving away the plot, you jerk.

"But that is what happens! It is a fairy story! Everyone left alive comes out of it married."

Hmf. You're still a spoilsport. Moving on, the intrepid prince continued to follow the ball until it came to rest at the base of a great mountain. At the base of the mountain were his two older brothers Toris and Eduard. Any comments on who your brothers are, Vanya?

"No. I want to go home and drink as soon as possible."

Good. Toris and Eduard could not climb the mountain because it was too steep. But Ivan remembered old Elizaveta's words about a cave with claws. He rode his horse to the left and to the right of where his brothers were until he came upon a small cave. When he crouched down to climb inside, he saw a small gleam. The claws. Slipping them on, he rode back to his brothers, "Um, brothers! I have found a way to climb the mountain! Um, here I go!"

And so brave Ivan began his ascent.

"Narrator, is this really going to last for three months like in the story? I will get so tired!"

Vanya, Vanya. Remember the speed of narration thing?

"Da."

It will only take you as long as it takes me to narrate. Now, Ivan climbed and climbed for ages, until he finally reached the summit. Now was that hard?

"No, it only took me seconds..."

See what happens when we cooperate? Now, I shall have to pause my story. When shall it be finished? Why, whenever I have the time to.

"What? You are going to leave me here until next chapter? That could take days, months, years!"

Days, most likely, months, only if I get overloaded, but I assure you I will not make you wait years.

"My boss will kill me if I do not get back to work soon!"

Then hope that the muse strikes me soon, Vanya doll.

To be continued.

"You are evil!"

Shush.


	2. The Kingdoms on the Mountain

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. If I did I would not have to take out student loans and sweat over getting scholarships. Neither do I own this fairy tale, but nobody really owns fairy tales.

Warnings: None. Alfred is the king of Hetalia, but it's less out of super patriotism and more because the thought of Alfred being Ivan's doting dad is funny.

Chapter Two: The Kingdoms on the Mountain

When Ivan reached the top of the mountain, he saw a great kingdom made out of copper, the sun giving it a reddish glow. In front of the gate leading to the kingdom were gigantic serpents thrashing and writhing. All that kept them from tearing Ivan apart was their copper chains. Prince Ivan stared unafraid at them, daring them to—Ivan? You're not going to complain about me taking too long with the chapter, are you?

"S-snakes. Snakes…"

Honey-doll, you do remember how the story goes, right?

"But, snakes!"

Yes, I know there are snakes. Which makes no sense considering that they are cold blooded and would not fare well on a mountain top in Russia and—ahem. Back to the story. Brave Ivan noticed a copper well with a copper chain and bucket nearby. He dropped the pail into the water and withdrew a full load of water. Ivan then courageously took the pail to where the snakes were and—

"NYET."

Ivan. You are our brave and courageous prince. You will take that bucket over to those damn snakes or so help me, I will _torch_ your DVD of _Ivan Vasilievich Changes His Profession_!

"…you wouldn't."

Watch me.

"You evil—! You win."

Good boy. As I was saying, Ivan took the pail of water over to the chained serpents who drank it and quietly laid down to let him pass. Was that hard, Vanya?

"…they got that close to me…"

Glad to see you're having fun. Ivan then bravely strode toward the copper castle and entered it to find its queen, sitting on the copper throne and bedecked entirely in copper.

"Ohmigosh, like, hey!"

"_Poland?_"

"Uh, what? My name's, like, Feliks. Ohmigosh, you're like totally here to rescue me! This is so fab! Like, what's your name?"

"Um, Ru-, I mean Prince Ivan of Hetalia. I'm looking for my mother, apparently. Raivis stole her. Do you know where she is?"

"Aw, your mom? That's so sad! Yeah, I dunno where she is. But my cousin's the queen of the kingdom of silver. I bet she _totally_ knows!"

Fair Ivan was glad to hear of information regarding his dear mother. The copper queen gave him a ball and a ring, both made from copper, "OK, so the ball goes to the silver kingdom and the ring contains the entire copper kingdom. When you lay the whammy on Raivis, don't forget to come back and get me, 'kay? He comes here once every three months and makes me watch Power Rangers with him and his friend. Gah, so lame."

Unable to leave a fair maiden to misery, Ivan agreed to be back. Rolling the ball, he walked and walked until he reached a silver kingdom, far more vast and beautiful than the one of copper. Unfortunately, there were also enormous serpents thrashing and trying to devour the good prince.

"No, not again!"

Vanya, seriously. Just give them some water and they'll shut up. Raivis doesn't take very good care of his pet snakes…

"B-but—"

Shush! So, Ivan again pulled water from a silver well and gave the serpents water. Entering the castle of silver, he encountered its queen.

"Waah, Raivis! I'm tired of watching the Wiggles! I've got that Irish dancing song stuck in my he-e-ad!"

"Ukraine."

"Huh? Y-you're not Raivis."

"No, I am your bro-, I am here to help. My name is Ivan."

"Oh, good! My name is Yekaterina. I've been here for three years and every two months Raivis comes and makes me dance and sing along to the Wiggles with him."

"The Wig—I'm afraid to ask."

"They're an Australian children's band with their own show. I can't get the songs out of my head! It's driving me crazy!"

"Um, that's too bad. Do you know where my mother is?"

"Hm? No, I-I'm so sorry!"

"Ah! Do not cry!"

"S-Sorry! Um, here is a silver ball and ring. The ring has the whole silver kingdom and the ball will lead you to my sister in the golden kingdom. Maybe she knows where your mother is! Oh, when you defeat Raivis, come back for me!"

"Right. Go to El Dorado and, wait, did you say 'sister'?"

Ivan…

"But, narrator, Belarus will—!"

Will do as the story commands. Shut up. So Ivan rolled the silver ball ahead of him until he came to a golden kingdom that made the kingdom of silver look paltry in comparison. Again there were chained serpents, hissing and snapping their fangs, but Ivan quickly gave them water and hurried into the castle, as I am holding a lit match over his entire collection of vodka in case he gets "ideas". Inside was a queen dressed entirely in gold, long pale hair cascading down her back. When she saw Ivan, she gasped, "Who are you, handsome stranger? I am Natalya."

"Prince Ivan. Hetalia. Raivis. Mom."

Come on, Ivan. You're lucky she has to reply like she does in the story or I would smack you.

"Oh, your mother must be the one Raivis has recently stolen. He comes to me once a month and has me play Candyland with him. He cheats! He goes to your mother once a week. I shudder to think what he does to her. Here, take this ball and ring. The ring is the holder of the kingdom of gold and the ball will lead you to your mother. Do not forget to come back for me, for I have fallen in love with you! We must become one!"

"Thank...you…"

For making your scene with Belarus short? I knew you'd appreciate it.

"I meant to Bela—never mind."

Prince Ivan followed the golden ball until he came upon a kingdom so bright and brilliant with diamonds, rubies, pearls, emeralds and the like that it nearly blinded him. Guarding the entrance where hundreds of six-headed serpents who—

"Six heads! _Six! HEADS?_"

Vanya…

"No! I do not care what you do! I am not going anywhere near—"

I suppose I could have you and Queen Natalya marry right now…

"You are evil!"

And yet you are carrying that bucket of water as fast as you can to those snakes. After the serpents had been calmed, Ivan entered the castle. It was eerily empty. All he could hear was the faint click of his heels on the floor. Suddenly he heard a faint voice, "Vanya?"

He turned to where he thought the voice was emerging from, "Hello?"

"My Vanushka, it is you!"

Ivan heard footsteps running towards him and he ran towards them. Was this it? Would he finally see his mother again?

"I have not seen her since I was small! I do not even remember her. This is exciting! I cannot wait!"

Well, you'll have to. Chapter's over. Until next time, audience!

To be continued…

"I hate you!"


	3. Mother and Arguments With the Narrator

Disclaimer: Hetalia belongs to Himaruya. I just buy his stuff like a good little fan zombie. I also do not own any of the children's shows the queens have been forced to watch nor do I own Disney, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Pinky and the Brain, or Shakespeare. No, they do not cross over into this fiction, but I do make references and want to give credit where credit is due.

AN: I hate real life. I'm sorry this took forever.

* * *

Chapter 3: Mother and Arguments with the Narrator

When we last left our brave hero, the courageous Ivan had entered a brilliant castle of precious stones and his mother was rapidly approaching him. He waited in anticipation, as he had not seen his mother in such a long time, he could barely contain his excitement.

"Yes, OK! Shut up! You set everything up in the chapter before and it's been months since you've been here, you lazy sack of—!"

Patience is a virtue, Vanya. Some of us have college and a job. At last, Ivan's mother burst into the room, skirts billowing, wavy grey hair contained gracefully under her helmet—

"_General Winter?_"

Who did you think was going to be your mom? Morocco? Queen Winter continued to run to her son, arms outspread—

"NO. There is no way that my mother is going to be General Winter in a floofy Disney princess dress. I'm done. I'm done with this stupid story. I want to go home."

I'm sorry, Ivan, but I can't let you do that.

"Yes you can! And you will! I am the incarnation of Russia! Let me out of this!"

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do…

"Stop singing! Let me out! I want to go home!"

I'm half crazy, all for the love of you…

"Shut up! OK, I give in. If you will let me go home after the story goes on and you make it go as fast as possible, I'll play along. Just make it quick! I hate all of this!"

Aw, I didn't even get to the bicycle built for two part. I thought you'd be happy, Vanya. Don't you love your classic fairy tales? I know I do. You should enjoy being the dashing prince. Everyone else always makes you the bad guy.

"I like reading and hearing fairy tales. Being in them is an entirely different story. And frankly, I would prefer being the bad guy in this story. He's out of it halfway in and until the eventual death-by-hero, villains always have the most fun."

Oh dear. What a horrid, wicked person I am. I'm so sorry I don't have you brutally torturing and raping everyone in a 50 mile radius like so many other narrators do. Gosh and golly, I'm so _awfully_ cruel to you. Bad me, shame! Get thee to a nunnery!

"I don't mean I want you to take it that far-"

Do you want to continue with this story or not? The faster it goes, the sooner you get to go home.

"_Ugh_. Fine. But was putting General Winter in that pink monstrosity of a dress _really_ necessary?"

Yes. Yes it was.

"Oh, you lying…Let's just get this over with."

Good Vanya. I knew you'd see things my way. Oh, great. I've lost my place. Let's see…diamond kingdom…you wandering…Queen Winter…ah yes. Queen Winter pulled her son into a deep embrace, squeezing as tightly as possible, "Oh, my darling baby! You have come to rescue me!"

"Ribs! Cracking! Why do you keep calling him a 'her'?"

Artistic license, baby. Queen Winter then grasped brave Ivan's shoulders, "Quick, sweetie, to the cellar. Raivis will be back soon and he has power over all the spirits. There is something down there to help you fight him."

"I do not need magical steroids to beat up someone half my size."

"But he is a mighty and terrible wizard! You will be helpless against him!"

Without waiting for a reply, Queen Winter promptly scooped up Ivan and flung him over her shoulder, carrying him down to the cellar. In the cellar were two large barrels full of water. Queen Winter dropped him next to the one on the right, "Drink from this one, my son."

Prince Ivan appeared reluctant but obeyed his mother's command, drinking one handful of the water. Queen Winter asked him, "How do you feel, Vanya?"

"Mm. A little stronger."

"Drink some more."

He sighed but nevertheless dipped both hands into the barrel and lifted some more of the water to his lips.

"And now?"

"Pretty strong, I guess."

"Strong enough to lift the barrels and switch their places?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Good. Do so."

Prince Ivan did as was ordered. Queen Winter smiled at him, "Good boy! The barrel you drank from contained the water of strength. The one next to it has the water of weakness. The first barrel was the source of all of Raivis' strength. Now that you have switched their places, he will become weak and you will defeat him with ease!"

"Why didn't you do that yourself and beat him long ago?"

"…Don't sass your mother, boy."

The two walked back up out of the cellar. The queen seated herself on a couch in front of a television.

"How anachronistic, narrator."

Silence! Queen Winter spoke quickly, "Quick, my son. Get under my skirts. You must hide. But emerge and defeat Raivis before he makes me watch another episode of Barney the Dinosaur. I will go mad if I do."

Ivan did not like the idea of going under Queen Winter's skirts…

"You're damn right I don't!"

…but did so anyway to make the story go quickly.

"Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up…"

Then the fearsome Raivis emerged, cackling evilly, "Mwahahahaha! Now, my darling Winter, shall we watch another episode? This one's about sharing with your friends! You see, there's this one boy who doesn't like to share but his friends all sing and dance with him until-"

"NO! Now, my son!"

Prince Ivan leapt out from beneath Winter's skirts…

"You do _not_ want to know what I've seen!"

…and grabbed onto Raivis's mace before he could use it.

"That sounded very perverted."

Trust me, it doesn't sound any less perverted in the book. Raivis immediately screeched in rage and flew off, Ivan still clinging to the mace.

"I forgot about this part! Put me down! Put me down!"

Raivis yelled, "Never! I'll drop you to the ground and watch as you shatter!"

Raivis began to wildly swing his mace around in an attempt to get Prince Ivan to let go. It was to no avail as the brave prince continued to hold on, although he was also screaming obscenely loud. Seriously, Vanya, I can barely hear myself read.

"_AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"_

Good gracious, man. Anyway, Raivis knew that no matter how hard he swung his mace, Ivan would never let go. Astounding what adrenaline can make you do in a life or death situation, isn't it?

"Shut up with the biology lesson and _save me!_"

I was getting to it, Vanya dear, no need to yell. Raivis flew down into the cellar and drank from the barrel that he thought held the water of strength, but instead held the water of weakness. Ivan drank from the real water of strength and easily defeated Raivis by hanging him up on a coat hanger—wait a minute, that's not how the story goes!

"What? He is weak and small. I'm not going to beat him up as he is. That's just mean."

Didn't stop you from stretching him to make him "grow".

"Hey, that was for his own good! I felt bad for squishing him. So I fixed him."

…That…that was…oh my stars 'n' garters, I'm just going to move on. So, leaving the weakened and defeated Raivis on the coat hanger, Ivan went back up to his mother, Queen Winter. She cheered for joy to see him unharmed, "Oh my son, you are alive! Come, let us eat and talk. I have not been able to be around anyone but Raivis for so long, and all he ever does is talk about Power Rangers. Well, he did sometimes bring a friend with him, but he was even smaller than Raivis and I do not know who he is."

"Eat? Eat what?"

No sooner was this said than a table covered entirely in food and drink appeared in front of them, beautiful music emerging from nowhere. Ivan was impressed, "Convenient."

Ain't it just? After they had both eaten their fill, Prince Ivan told his mother that it was time to go back home. At long last.

"For her at least. The plot goes out of its way to stretch this story even further than it needs to-"

Ivan, if you spoil the plot again for my dear precious readers, I will cut you. With a spoon. After looting the palace for anything they wanted, Ivan and Queen Winter began to travel back through the gold, silver, and copper kingdoms, also looting those palaces and bringing the grateful queens of said kingdoms with them.

"Like, you were _totally_ late. The Land of Lazy People called, they want their king back."

Tying the bedsheets of all the beds in the copper kingdom together, Ivan flung it down the mountain to allow the queens to climb down it to safety. At the mountain's bottom, Ivan's brothers Eduard and Toris were waiting. When they saw the queens climbing down the makeshift ladder, they began to plot.

"You know," Toris said, "it would be really embarrassing if our little brother did all the work rescuing our mother and we accomplished nothing."

Eduard agreed, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, brother, but starting a papaya farm in this climate? That's a sure recipe for failure."

"…what? I was talking about grabbing those girls and Mom as soon as they get down and pulling down the rope before Ivan starts climbing down."

"That seems kind of…dickish."

"Oh, come on. I'm sure Ivan would love living on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere! It's like every boy's dream."

"I dunno, Eduard…"

"Don't be such a wet blanket, Toris. You can have the golden girl, I'll marry the silver one, the copper one can go to our friend Tino—"

"Isn't he already married to some big Swedish guy?"

"Stop bringing logic into this, killjoy. And, of course, dad gets mom."

"The golden girl is rather pretty…"

"So it's decided. Now hush, the golden one is nearly down."

The queens descended the blanket-ladder one by one so as not to stress it to the breaking point. One by one they went down, Queen Winter herself being the last to reach Eduard and Toris. Just before Ivan began to descend the ladder, Eduard and Toris pulled with all their might and snapped the ladder loose!

"Quick!" yelled Eduard, "Grab the queens and go!"

They swept all four queens onto their horses and sped away back to the land of Hetalia, leaving fair Ivan behind. As for Ivan, he was distraught beyond—Ivan?

"Wonderful! Now I do not have to marry Natalya!"

Ivan…

"No. No, you cannot threaten me this time. I do not care any longer. I am going to stay right here. The castle with all of the jewels has unlimited food and whatever I want to drink. It has furniture already inside of it. There is music when I want it, and I do not have to fill out any paperwork or have any responsibilities. I'm _staying_."

But…but you _can't_. What will you do if you're lonely?

"I'll learn what kind of magic Raivis did and temporarily 'invite' people over for a few hours whenever I wish."

What will you do when you're bored?

"Sleep. I haven't slept well since Catherine the Great's reign. Besides, thanks to your lousy sense of humor, I have an anachronistic television."

What about your people?

"They'll be fine without me."

What about your love for Alfred?

"My love—Chernobog's teeth, you're a _shipper_, aren't you?"

So what if I—not saying that I am—don't judge me!

"Reason number 842 why I shouldn't do anything you want."

Treason! Mutiny! The character that I lovingly wrote for with my own two hands has turned against me! Et tu, Brutē?

"You cannot threaten me any longer, narrator. You were not even my true writer in the first place. That honor belongs to Himaruya-sama alone. I'm going back to the kingdom of jewels and staying there. There is nothing that you can do to stop me."

No! Come back! If the story isn't continued, my readers will leave me! How can I survive without reviews?

"Fare thee well, attention whore."

Ivan, this is a K+ story! Ivan? _Vanya, don't leave me!_ Gah, he's gone! What shall I do? My main character has left the building! Now, what do I do?

Fine. I'm totally fine. I can handle this. I can handle a small breach of the fourth wall. No big deal. I'll just have to be a little clever, that's all.

Wait a bit longer, my precious readers. I'll have our hero back in his place. Just you wait…


End file.
